Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Some Background....

I thought that I would start a blog because I need an outlet to express how I'm feeling. And since I'm feeling like I'm at a point where I can't talk to who I want to talk to, I'll just write it down.

In April 2008 I found out that I was pregnant with my first child - a boy and I knew it from the start. After going through an ordeal with his father, we finally came to grips - or at least I had, with what was about to happen.

Unexpectedly, in June 2008, I was 16 weeks pregnant, had just felt him kicking for the first time a week before and had felt him kicking every day since, but that day June 26th, it was different - I hadn't felt him all day. Ultimately, I end up in the emergency room and will never forget the nurse telling me "I'm sorry but you will have to deliver the baby today." NO!! This could not be happening!! I was supposed to find out in 2 weeks if my suspicions were true and I was about to have my first little boy. I prayed so hard for a miracle SOMETHING had to happen IMMEDIATELY. But nothing could be done...at 11:32pm I gave birth to my very own angel - Jordan Lee.

He was developing perfectly. But what went wrong? 18 1/2 months later and I still don't know.

Feeling empty doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. In addition to feeling empty, I felt lost, worthless, and just wasting space in this thing called "life."

I took 12hrs of summer school 2wks later....12hrs in 5wks, because I couldn't have time to let my thoughts linger. I made a 4.0 that session, yet driving to the college and back home I cried, I stepped out of class and went to the bathroom and cried. But I made sure never to cry in front of anyone I cared about because I didn't want them to feel bad.

I went to church and that seemed to help, because I wasn't expected to be "strong."

I came back to where I went to college - that's when it started. I had just spent the whole summer living with my parents, but now I was back at my apartment - alone. I would hear babies crying, see the shoes that I had bought him, the area that I had made ready for all of the clothes and toys that he was going to have. I went to work every day, cried on the way there, on the way back, and then cried myself to sleep....every night....for 5 months straight. I thought for sure that my tears would run dry eventually but they would just come even more than the night before. His due date was the hardest night that I cried - December 7, 2008.

My 2009 New Year's Resolution was not to let anything stress me and not to live my life for other people and to be happy, for Jordan because if he were around that's what I would have to do.

My life took a complete 180 ...I was going to church regularly, found some church friends who I enjoyed hanging out with, and had no problems being alone anymore I was in a great place...or so I thought....

1 comment:

  1. I remember you telling us what had happened. I was so sad for you! I didn't know how to respond. I think MOST people don't know how to respond to something like this. Unless they've experienced losing their child. I never imagined only 5 or 6 months after Jordan died, my J did also..

    I'm always around whenever you need to talk.. or cry.. or scream!! Promise!