Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Amazing What 9mos Can Change...

Just as I was getting comfortable with being alone, and even comfortable with seeing pictures of babies and holding them, my life changes.

I am at school and a guy approaches me. We exchange numbers and that's where it began - or could it be where it ended?

We immediately hit it off - had great conversation and just really comfortable with each other. He was different than any other guy I was used to because he was very forthcoming with how he was feeling and his current situation as well as personal goals. We had a connection that I couldn't pinpoint where it came from. I felt like we were the opposite sex version of ourselves in so many ways. We viewed relationships and friendships the same, we were both interested in sports, and felt instantly comfortable with each other.

He was looking for a person he could marry, while I was looking for someone to hang out with and just let whatever happen happen. So I was able to keep my feelings from becoming unbearable - and I also think it had a lot to do with not being ready to give myself to another guy the way I had with Jordan's father.

My new friend had certain aspects of his life that I felt like I could help him with. He didn't ask for the help, but he didn't turn it down when I offered it either. It was obvious that we were two people who had the type of chemistry that people who had been friends for years would have and we had only known each other a few weeks.

Then making sure those aspects of his life were up to par became one of my priorities. I made sure that he had a ride for where-ever he wanted to go, had food to eat, found ways to complete the necessities that he was lacking...and this went on for 9 months - recently when it finally came to a hault. But will get to that later.

There was nothing, within my abilities, that I would not do for him. We had gotten into a disagreement one time and I was EXTREMELY broken up about it, and I was talking to my mom about it and it wasn't about the fact that we may never talk again, but my concern was "how is he going to be able to eat." Talking to some of my internet friends who have gone through a loss, it helped me to realize that I had transferred my nurturing feelings that I felt I should have been having towards Jordan to him. I was infatuated with the fact that he WANTED me ...he NEEDED me and I wasn't ready to lose that.

Once I realized that was what was going on, I pulled back. Or so I thought. Once I pulled back from feeling like he NEEDED me, I finally let my guards completely down and started to have feelings for him and not what I could do for him.

I dont know whether to call it unfortunate or not, but I've been blessed with the biggest most compassionate heart there is. So, I was still doing things for him, not to the extreme level they were done before and not with the same motivation behind them - but because that's what I do when I care about someone, whether or not we are in a romantic type relationship or a friendship.

I was completely unaware how he felt about me, and honestly I was afraid to ask because I was afraid to hear it. So, I never told him how I felt - but come to find out he knew all along...so much for being discreet.

To make a long story short, we are no longer talking anymore. After 9mos of being "just friends."

After 9mos of not feeling alone or worrying about it, and finally letting my feelings go - for the first time since LOONG before I had even known of Jordan. To finally TRUST someone, and it gets thrown back in my face and the feelings that I JUST found out are there, are already gone. I was never trusted enough to keep those feelings he had safe and not hurt him. Just like I was never trusted enough to keep Jordan safe and not hurt him.

So here I am...blogging at 7:58pm ...its been almost 2hrs since the last time he said anything to me - he's very upset and he's done and I have to deal with that. But what's worse is that I have to deal with being alone...all over again.

I feel the same way that I felt the first night that I came back after spending the summer with my parents. I haven't eaten a full meal in 4 days....just like the day I had lost Jordan - I didn't eat anything at all that day.

Now I'm looking at the situation and wondering, what was the point? Yes I did have that void filled temporarily, and I am aware that I do have the ability to care for someone and allow them to get close to me...but right now, it feels like...why? What's the point anymore? What's the point in giving your trust to someone, who doesn't want it and will throw it out the window at the first opportunity and want nothing to do with you. This has happened too much.

Being in a dark lonely place when all of the lights are on is a hard thing to deal with, but it seems like its the hand I was dealt, even though I tried to get the cards shuffled again.

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