Monday, January 25, 2010

Hi Hater .....

A hater is someone that is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall. When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters...

That's why you have to be careful who you share your blessings and your dreams with because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed...

It's dangerous to be like somebody else... If God wanted you to be like somebody else He would have given you what He gave them. You don't know what people have gone through to get what they have...(the problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story) If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too.

We've all got some haters among us: Some people don't like it that you can:
* Come to church
* Get your praise on
* Bless His Holy Name
* Haters don't want to see you happy
* Haters don't want to see you succeed
* Haters don't want you get the victory

Most of our haters are people that are supposed to be on our side. How do you handle the haters who you at least expect to have your guard up against? You can handle your haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are
2. Having a purpose
3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation.

Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others
think about you. You will always be trying to get stuff because the more stuff you have will improve what others think about you, but what others think will last as long as the stuff last. When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, "Don't look at me...Look at who is in charge of me..."

Watch out for those haters!!!!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Things Old Folks Say....

Have you ever sat and thought about the sayings that old people have and wondered where they came from and it wasn't until you were old that some of them started to make sense?

That's how I'm feeling lately. There are two universal sayings that have made sense over this weekend alone.

The first: "This hurts me more than it hurts you." This is usually said when receiving a whooping! LOL!! But seriously, it is. And I never could understand how someone whoopin' your tail hurt them more than it hurt to receive it. But ....when someone is doing something that is mean and/or hurtful towards you but its, in a way, for your own good, it hurts them to be mean but its something that has to be done.

The second: "Bought sense is better than borrowed." I've FINALLY understood what this means. As individuals going through the life we are given, we are going to make some decisions that after its all said and done we will think, "Why did I even do that," but without mistakes how can you learn? What I take from this old saying is that when you pay for the lesson that you've learned you'll remember it more and be less likely to repeat it than if you're going off of what someone has told you. Yes, its good to talk to someone who has been down that road before, but experience is the best and worst teacher. HEY!!! That's another saying that I wasn't even thinking of but its a good one ....

"Experience is the worst teacher, it gives you the test before giving the lesson."

Friday, January 22, 2010

Book of Eli

I went and saw that tonight. And I must admit I was a little skeptical about it. But I absolutely loved it!! Loved the ending!! Loved everything!! I believe that, yet again, Denzel did a FANTASTIC job!!

And again another instance when art immitates life, some of the quotes that he had in the movie, really touched my heart.

There is a quote in the movie that I absolutely loved and figured I would share, I won't say where it happens in the movie but there is a slight spoiler in what I'm about to post - you've been warned.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" - II Timothy 4:7 NKJV

It's the GOD in Me

Some might wonder or think, why all of the sudden turn to God when things go wrong. My response in a question is, why not? Think about it, even people who aren't saved or claim that their is no God (Lord have mercy on them) when times get tough and unbearable, they will say a prayer, even if its simply "Lord help me." Think about it.....

When things were going bad and I was really depressed over losing Jordan, I had NO ONE that I could talk to one could really relate to what I was going through. Yes I had found some who had went through the exact same thing, but everyone handles things differently. So I engulfed myself in God, opening my heart to listen to what He had to say to me, letting Him wrap His loving arms around me in times when I felt like it was unbearable to go on, and really just staying positive that the promises He had made to me were true.

Even though the last week has been stressful....emotionally and mentally, I'm getting back to the positive, loving life, and optimistic person who saw the bright side to EVERY situation that I was before I had allowed someone else to be Top 5 in my life with me being behind them.

Plus, if you REALLY know me you know my background and it's not just some cliche thing for me to turn to God when I don't know where else to turn, it's what is already instilled in me today.

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it"

Thursday, January 21, 2010

7 Keys To Friendship

So I've been looking for a way not to feel guilty about what went down as well as not feel as though I had been used. One day I was flipping through the television and came across one of my favorite "televangelist" Creflo Dollar, and I swear everything he was saying was directed at me - funny how that always works like that. Soooooo...being the unselfish individual that I am, I decided to share what I've learned and what I study each morning ..the 7 Keys to Friendship.
In his message he stated: People need to learn to conduct themselves as friends. If someone can't be a friend before you get married or in a dating relationship, you cannot expect certain qualities to show up in the middle. If you can't past the test of friendship then it will be impossible to be any good in a relationship. Every dating relationship should achieve the objective of friendship.

7 Keys To Friendship

* Real friends bring comfort and support during trouble, in need
Job 2:11: Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, each one came from his own place. For they had made an appointment together to come and mourn with him, and to comfort him.

Friendship is comfortable a time of learning the other person and allows love to grow. In the Bible, distance was not an obstacle for Job's friends to come and comfort him in his time of need. They displayed an unconditional friendship. Nowadays friendship is conditional

* A friend is devoted
Job 6:14: To him who is afflicted, kindness should be shown by his friend, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.

Showing kindness to a person is showing honor and respect to God, when you're not kind to a person it is a dishonor to God.

* A friend loves unconditionally

A friend will love you no matter the situation is or what you've done. This is an individual that you've trusted with access and information that most are not privileged to hear, this relationship has a certain level of trust and confidence.
Unconditional love pertaining to friendship - does this person feel comfortable sharing the most intimate and private details of life with you? Do you trust them enough to expose yourself to them? You can't be accountable to another without being willing to be transparent - which is a scary thing to do.

* Friends speak constructively even when it hurts

There are friendships that are better than relationships because the friendship was not ever established. Its wrong if you have a friend and you have to find out from a stranger something that a friend should have told you.

Proverbs 27:6: Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful

Some of the people you are mad at and dont want to talk to anymore - were likely your friend ..WOW!!! From this verse I took that a true friend will likely hurt you, but they will faithfully be your friend based on the other keys to friendship mentioned already. But an enemy will say all of the right things and make you feel good at all times.

* A friend helps when you're down

* A friend has intimate knowledge of your affairs

John 15:15: No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

* A friend makes your life better by giving good advice

Proverbs 27:9: Ointment and perfume delight the heart and the sweetness of a man’s friend gives delight by hearty counsel.

I'll probably elaborate on these key points more but I just couldn't keep these to myself!! :)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Never Bring Up the Past or What Was Done When Youre Mad

Any one who knows me pretty well knows that I have a very big heart and don't mind doing for the people that I care about. They also know that I always worry that, "my kindness will be mistaken for weakness," and as hard as it is for me I try not to be too much of a giver.

I am not one to ask for something unless I really need it, and if I have it to give I'll give it.

Nothing bothers me more than when people bring up the things that have been done like some type of score is being kept. Am I the only one who has noticed that this is done when someone is angry? Why is that??

Why throw in someone's face something they ALREADY know? And why bring up what someone has done for you - they don't need to be reminded and in some cases it will appear as though that's the reasoning behind keeping them around.

It's easy to find out where someone is located if the bring up things they've done (they might just be doing it for recognition), you've done for them (that's really what's important to them), or they start singing a different song once the open door has been closed, so to speak.

It's 2010...only the 19th day and I've already learned so much about myself and others. I like years that I start off learning, I like being a lifelong learner :)

Jordan's Kicks

I named this blog Jordan's Kicks for a few different reasons.

1) the picture. Jordan's first pair of shoes/kicks Jordan XXIII's to match his father's and to represent the year that he was born - the year that they came out. I LOVE shoes, so it only made sense that my son would have a pair of shoes before I had even known for a fact that he was a boy. His shoes were the first time I held him.

2) I had went to the ER a few days before Jordan's delivery and was able to see him on the monitor - of course the ER tech couldn't tell the sex, but it was ok, I already knew. And on that monitor, there was my first baby..playing with his feet. Playing and kicking the tech back after he had pushed down to get him to move.

3) Jordan's kicks - I felt for the first time on June 20th and for the last time on June 25th. Jordan's kicks had me to put my hand on my stomach and feel him, "hold" him. The last time I held him - he didn't feel it, but I saw him on the monitor and he was still kicking.

Amazing What 9mos Can Change...

Just as I was getting comfortable with being alone, and even comfortable with seeing pictures of babies and holding them, my life changes.

I am at school and a guy approaches me. We exchange numbers and that's where it began - or could it be where it ended?

We immediately hit it off - had great conversation and just really comfortable with each other. He was different than any other guy I was used to because he was very forthcoming with how he was feeling and his current situation as well as personal goals. We had a connection that I couldn't pinpoint where it came from. I felt like we were the opposite sex version of ourselves in so many ways. We viewed relationships and friendships the same, we were both interested in sports, and felt instantly comfortable with each other.

He was looking for a person he could marry, while I was looking for someone to hang out with and just let whatever happen happen. So I was able to keep my feelings from becoming unbearable - and I also think it had a lot to do with not being ready to give myself to another guy the way I had with Jordan's father.

My new friend had certain aspects of his life that I felt like I could help him with. He didn't ask for the help, but he didn't turn it down when I offered it either. It was obvious that we were two people who had the type of chemistry that people who had been friends for years would have and we had only known each other a few weeks.

Then making sure those aspects of his life were up to par became one of my priorities. I made sure that he had a ride for where-ever he wanted to go, had food to eat, found ways to complete the necessities that he was lacking...and this went on for 9 months - recently when it finally came to a hault. But will get to that later.

There was nothing, within my abilities, that I would not do for him. We had gotten into a disagreement one time and I was EXTREMELY broken up about it, and I was talking to my mom about it and it wasn't about the fact that we may never talk again, but my concern was "how is he going to be able to eat." Talking to some of my internet friends who have gone through a loss, it helped me to realize that I had transferred my nurturing feelings that I felt I should have been having towards Jordan to him. I was infatuated with the fact that he WANTED me ...he NEEDED me and I wasn't ready to lose that.

Once I realized that was what was going on, I pulled back. Or so I thought. Once I pulled back from feeling like he NEEDED me, I finally let my guards completely down and started to have feelings for him and not what I could do for him.

I dont know whether to call it unfortunate or not, but I've been blessed with the biggest most compassionate heart there is. So, I was still doing things for him, not to the extreme level they were done before and not with the same motivation behind them - but because that's what I do when I care about someone, whether or not we are in a romantic type relationship or a friendship.

I was completely unaware how he felt about me, and honestly I was afraid to ask because I was afraid to hear it. So, I never told him how I felt - but come to find out he knew all much for being discreet.

To make a long story short, we are no longer talking anymore. After 9mos of being "just friends."

After 9mos of not feeling alone or worrying about it, and finally letting my feelings go - for the first time since LOONG before I had even known of Jordan. To finally TRUST someone, and it gets thrown back in my face and the feelings that I JUST found out are there, are already gone. I was never trusted enough to keep those feelings he had safe and not hurt him. Just like I was never trusted enough to keep Jordan safe and not hurt him.

So here I am...blogging at 7:58pm ...its been almost 2hrs since the last time he said anything to me - he's very upset and he's done and I have to deal with that. But what's worse is that I have to deal with being alone...all over again.

I feel the same way that I felt the first night that I came back after spending the summer with my parents. I haven't eaten a full meal in 4 days....just like the day I had lost Jordan - I didn't eat anything at all that day.

Now I'm looking at the situation and wondering, what was the point? Yes I did have that void filled temporarily, and I am aware that I do have the ability to care for someone and allow them to get close to me...but right now, it feels like...why? What's the point anymore? What's the point in giving your trust to someone, who doesn't want it and will throw it out the window at the first opportunity and want nothing to do with you. This has happened too much.

Being in a dark lonely place when all of the lights are on is a hard thing to deal with, but it seems like its the hand I was dealt, even though I tried to get the cards shuffled again.

Some Background....

I thought that I would start a blog because I need an outlet to express how I'm feeling. And since I'm feeling like I'm at a point where I can't talk to who I want to talk to, I'll just write it down.

In April 2008 I found out that I was pregnant with my first child - a boy and I knew it from the start. After going through an ordeal with his father, we finally came to grips - or at least I had, with what was about to happen.

Unexpectedly, in June 2008, I was 16 weeks pregnant, had just felt him kicking for the first time a week before and had felt him kicking every day since, but that day June 26th, it was different - I hadn't felt him all day. Ultimately, I end up in the emergency room and will never forget the nurse telling me "I'm sorry but you will have to deliver the baby today." NO!! This could not be happening!! I was supposed to find out in 2 weeks if my suspicions were true and I was about to have my first little boy. I prayed so hard for a miracle SOMETHING had to happen IMMEDIATELY. But nothing could be 11:32pm I gave birth to my very own angel - Jordan Lee.

He was developing perfectly. But what went wrong? 18 1/2 months later and I still don't know.

Feeling empty doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. In addition to feeling empty, I felt lost, worthless, and just wasting space in this thing called "life."

I took 12hrs of summer school 2wks later....12hrs in 5wks, because I couldn't have time to let my thoughts linger. I made a 4.0 that session, yet driving to the college and back home I cried, I stepped out of class and went to the bathroom and cried. But I made sure never to cry in front of anyone I cared about because I didn't want them to feel bad.

I went to church and that seemed to help, because I wasn't expected to be "strong."

I came back to where I went to college - that's when it started. I had just spent the whole summer living with my parents, but now I was back at my apartment - alone. I would hear babies crying, see the shoes that I had bought him, the area that I had made ready for all of the clothes and toys that he was going to have. I went to work every day, cried on the way there, on the way back, and then cried myself to sleep....every night....for 5 months straight. I thought for sure that my tears would run dry eventually but they would just come even more than the night before. His due date was the hardest night that I cried - December 7, 2008.

My 2009 New Year's Resolution was not to let anything stress me and not to live my life for other people and to be happy, for Jordan because if he were around that's what I would have to do.

My life took a complete 180 ...I was going to church regularly, found some church friends who I enjoyed hanging out with, and had no problems being alone anymore I was in a great place...or so I thought....